


Higher Brain Function

by CountessMillarca



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Complete, Gen, One Shot, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-04-27
Packaged: 2017-12-09 16:12:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CountessMillarca/pseuds/CountessMillarca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pip wants to know how Alucard manages to enthrall people into doing his bidding. He could use some of that persuasion on a certain elusive, young Draculina that was constantly on his mind lately…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Higher Brain Function

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer : I do not own Hellsing in any way or form. Credits go to Hirano Kouta.
> 
> P.S. I don't even know how a French accent sounds like, so I am not going to try and put it in writing. It would be wrong on so many levels. So, use your imagination and, well, enjoy the story:)

After their recent trip to Brazil, Pip was wondering how the hell Alucard had managed to persuade that receptionist to let that humongous piece of wood he called a coffin to pass through the hotel's security. He must have used some kind of hypnosis, since the clerk was looking at Alucard in a trance like he was the center of his world. Furthermore, the only thing he had done was press a finger to his forehead and stare at him intently. What the hell was going on? Clearly something else must have transpired between them that he was not able to discern at the time.

If the vampire had a way to make someone obedient like that, it was a damn nice skill to have; one he personally needed desperately. After all, he had tried almost anything, but he still couldn't steal even a tiny little kiss from the recent object of his attention. Seras, or his mignonette as he liked to call her much to her dismay, was a feisty little thing; completely different from what he had thought when he first met her. Come to think of it, it was just a flick on his forehead as well, that had made him fall hard for her in the first place.

What was it with vampires and their fingers anyway? Did they release some kind of pheromone from them, making humans forget all logical thought and act like love-struck morons? It was time to turn the tides and stop making a fool out of himself, trying to win her favor. With these thoughts foremost on his mind, he started the descent to the mighty vampire's lair. It was a descent, since he clearly had fallen quite low, trying to ask advice on how to hit on women from someone, who instead of wondering what kind of underwear a woman wore, was more interested in what her blood type was.

Deep down in the basement, Pip was ready to knock on the gigantic doors, when Alucard's deep voice startled him, coming from inside the room.

"Stop over analyzing things and come inside, human. Clearly thinking is not one of your strong points."

Well, no matter how insulting that was, he couldn't argue the logic behind it. He was more of a doer than a talker and it showed. He entered the room to find Alucard sitting comfortably in his favorite chair as he sipped from a blood bag; probably he had just interrupted his breakfast. Was that a straw in the blood bag? Oookaaayy, he seriously had entered the land of the weird here.

Dressed in his usual red and black attire, hat and everything, the only thing missing were some half naked girls in corsets surrounding him, and this would look exactly like a 19th century French brothel. Now, that was something he seriously never wanted to see, so he erased the image from his mind, but not before the vampire had obviously seen it as well, judging from the chuckle he heard coming from his side.

"That's an interesting image you conjured there, human. Why did you erase it? I was rather enjoying myself," Alucard said with amusement.

"That was exactly the reason I did it," Pip replied, gritting his teeth, although, the arrogant bastard had probably heard the words before they even came out of his mouth.

"So, what brings you in my chambers this lovely evening, human?" the vampire asked with an evil grin.

"Like you don't know, Alucard. I'm here to ask you about that thing you do with your fingers and eyes that makes people utterly submissive to you," Pip confessed with difficulty.

"I do a lot of _things_ with my fingers and my eyes, human. Would you care to specify in which ability of mine you are interested in?" Alucard asked him with a taunting tone.

This was getting good, Alucard thought as he saw Pip fidgeting and feeling a whole lot uncomfortable having this discussion. Of course, he knew from the beginning what the human wanted; a way to make his fledgling acknowledge him as man and start a relationship with him as all humans did. Well, come to think about it, the stupid police girl still acted like a human, so maybe the pathetic male had an actual chance with her.

"I meant how exactly do you make people think whatever you want them to? Like for example, if you want a woman, and she doesn't want you, how do you make her believe that she does indeed want you?" Pip asked lamely, knowing he wasn't making any sense whatsoever.

Alucard burst out laughing hysterically at that.

"Well, in my times we called that rape, mortal. Forced, unwanted sexual intercourse is the definition of what you are describing I believe. I am starting to reevaluate the meaning of the word lately, though. Certain females do seem to enjoy role playing and I hear rape is quite a popular concept among them," he replied trying to suppress his laughter.

"Oh, come on, Alucard, you know I didn't mean it like that. Besides, don't you think the definition of rape coming from you is just a bit ironic? When have you EVER done anything asking permission from the other person?" Pip responded offended.

"Well, that's true, but I am not like you, human. Believe me, after I'm done, they beg me to do it again or kill them. Either way is equally satisfying to me. It's not like I can turn them; my victims are nothing like the sweet little angel you're trying to _deflower_ …"

"Firstly, you just admitted that they're your victims, Ted Bundy. Secondly, I am not planning to _deflower_ my mignonette, but share the wonders of amour with her," Pip exclaimed furiously.

"Like you could ever understand what a wonderful feeling having your emotions reciprocated by the other party is!" he finished wryly, feeling rather tired by this conversation.

"Believe it or not human, I have been in love in the past; therefore, allow me to tell you a few things about this wonderful feeling as you called it", Alucard said calmly.

"Love is overestimated, painful and ultimately the cause of your death or imprisonment. Trust me on this last one; I have personal experience on the matter. It's a façade the men use to…well, use a woman's body, and the women to strip a man of his dignity, wealth and bodily fluids," he concluded with a gravely tone.

"I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this, Alucard. Besides, what's so bad about sharing your everything with someone you care about?" Pip asked puzzled the vampire in question.

"That's exactly the problem, you muscle head. Didn't you hear me say that the sharing only goes one way at a time? One moment you're in heaven, thinking you're the king of the world, which trust me that's the last thing this world needs from you. Then suddenly you're in the worst pits of hell, naked and feeling like an earth worm, which you already are, so maybe that doesn't count in your case as a negative," he replied disgusted at the Frenchman's naivety.

"Do you see what I'm drinking right now, you pathetic excuse of a male? It's called blood. Allow me to explain the mechanics that make your body function. Blood rushes through your brain, in the event that you even have one, which I highly doubt, and voila! you can form sentences. On the other hand, blood rushes through your groin, which I am certain you use as a brain as it turns out, and you let your dick dictate your actions, stopping any miniscule brain function you might have had. I'm guessing, if you ever suffer from erectile dysfunction, that would be legal cause to have you euthanized, seeing as that is obviously your only contribution to society. Forgive me, you also know how to use a gun. It's a miracle you're not being revered as the world's savior," Alucard remarked in a dry tone full of sarcasm.

Pip was speechless. That was actually the first time he had heard the vampire talk so much in the entire time he knew him. Seriously, though, couldn't he pick on someone else? That was brutal. And they say that male bonding is a one of the most important things in a man's life. Clearly, he had picked the wrong partner. Futile. He shouldn't have come to him in the first place. It was time to go before the vampire cut off his assets, and decorated his wall with them in an attempt to make him think with his brain. He was pretty attached to the little bastards, and he was fairly sure he was going to miss them if that ever happened.

"Alucard, it's obvious that you can't help me. It was stupid of me to even think that you could," Pip said with a sullen look on his face as he turned around, and exited the vampire's lair.

"Well, well, well…" Alucard mused as the Frenchman left his room with a confused face and a fear for his private parts. He was such a fool. He had even gone out of his way to try and warn the eye patch freak what was awaiting him if he continued to have such naïve thoughts about the fairer sex. Guess now he would have to find out on his own. So, the thought of cutting off what hung below his waist was painful? Well, the human male was about to learn that women have a way of doing that to a man without leaving any physical wound…


End file.
